I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
