Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
