I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize