what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
