Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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