end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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