I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
The uberlube is also flammable
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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