Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You may now shotgun with the bride
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Randomize
