I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
