You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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