he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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