she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
