Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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