I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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