if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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