I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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