i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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