He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
