I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Randomize
