If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
