Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
