It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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