Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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