If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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