we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
