he puts the penis in happiness.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
