I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
its not stalking. its research.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
