R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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