I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
