Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
