We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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