You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Randomize
