Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
