wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Randomize
