so that wasnt chicken after all
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
