In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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