i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
