I'm jealous of your bromance
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
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