I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
