Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
