Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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