Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
