he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
