I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I am spending my child support on dildos
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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