is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
