Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
