I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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