So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Randomize
