Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
