On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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