I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
