Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Randomize
