I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
